Phallic Sex Toys

Staying with the western theme, this time we find our hero on the trail of another rogue band of dildos. These sex toys are the brothers of the original gang the sheriff had previously wiped out, and these guys are looking for revenge.

The gang of dildos had travelled from back east as soon as they heard what had happened to their fellow adult toy brethren with nothing but dull anger driving them. The sheriff was oblivious to their agenda, and was in the local saloon trying to talk up one of the bar maids. The gang snuck up on the sheriff, knocked him out cold, and kidnapped him back to their hideout up in Dildo Pass.

The sheriff regained consciousness to find himself surrounded by the leering and laughing adult toys. They told him there was no way he was ever going to escape, and that he was going to pay for what he did. The sheriff was just about to lose all hope when he noticed a silhouette at the window. It was his trusted deputy Ted, and Ted was motioning for him to just be cool, that help was coming. To be continued…

This is a simple tale from a simpler time; when war was nothing but the only way to settle disagreements. There was a proud nation of dildos, and they wished no harm on no one, but their prowess with weapons and military might was legendary. They were not a warlike people like their sex toy brethren to the south, the Vibrators. All they wanted to do was start trouble, and were soon recruited by a new king that had emerged on the land. This king had nearly conquered the entire world, and wanted all to fall in with his domination of the adult toy world.

The dildo people were the last stand of resistance, and these sex toys gave no quarter. They fought the king and his amalgamated army on their very own front doorsteps, and forced a retreat outside the city walls. As the king and his army planned, the dildo people continued their assault, only this time coming from behind. The king’s rear flank was unguarded, so this attack proved successful. By the time the king figured out something was wrong, his army was cut down by the fierce when provoked dildo people. The king retreated.

When buying adult sex toys, sometimes it’s a good thing to double up. Let’s say you want to get that really sweet vibrator with the pulsating action, but you also want to get something a little more basic, like a life-like recreation of a human penis.  So if it is within your means, you get them both. But what about your aunt who also wants a little sexual stimulation in her life, what do you do for her?

You splurge a little. When your aunt is desperately seeking stimulation, do you buy your own adult toy and neglect your family? No, you have to consider the wants of your family. Sexual satisfaction is a gift that should be given freely; even if you have to spend a little extra money to do so. Adult sex toys aren’t necessarily the gateway to happiness, but the euphoria from the experience is a great starting block.

So keep this is mind when purchasing all of your adult entertainment needs. You know you want to make yourself happy, but keep in mind the people who are close to you as well. Sexual satisfaction is the gift that keeps giving!

This next article will conclude the adventures of Brule and the undead sex toys. When we last left our hero, he was hacking away at the nefarious dildos while reciting one of the incantations from the ancient spell book. He was hoping the spell would send the evil away and break the spell over the sex toys, but instead the spell sent him and the evil back into time.

When he landed, he was in the middle of a war, fought against by knights and more of the undead adult sex toys. Brule regained his feet, and assisted the knights in repelling the evil dildos out of the kingdom. A wizard told Brule he could send him back to his own time, if he would assist the kingdom in defeating the menacing sex toys once and for all. Brule agreed, and was given a special weapon to defeat the king of the dildo army.

The fight was epic, and almost the dildo king tasted victory, but Brule was too great a fighter. The king was defeated, and he and his adult toy army were banished to the underworld. Brule and his girlfriend were reunited and sent home.

Wouldn’t that be a great game show? Contestants come on the show to win cash prizes and adult sex toys! You could have all the pretty women up front, holding suitcases that may or may not contain cash and assorted sex toys. You pick one case out, and that’s the case you play for. At the end of the show, if the contestant successfully finished the round, he gets to open the case and see what he or she has won.

Also, you could trade your prize in for something else if you want. Let’s say you won ten thousand dollars, but you wanted to buy the glowing dildo you saw in one of the previous cases. You could then take your cash (it is, after all, yours) and buy the adult sex toy, and take the rest of your cash home with you. It’s a win-win situation!

The only thing would be you would have to find a host that wouldn’t snicker or demean the contestants.  I think the best game show host would have to be Monty Hall, seeing as though he has seen every bizarre thing under the sun and could be trusted.

Ok so this series of adult sex toy articles has been about dildos, since the powers-that-be decided that my previous affinity for vibrator articles needed to be stemmed. So I decided to dedicate the next twenty or so articles to that phallic representation of sexual empowerment, the dildo.

The dildo may not do anything cool like vibrate or make a little humming noise, but this sex toy’s importance cannot be negated or dismissed. It is a plastic model of a male’s genitalia, more specifically, the penis. The penis is needed, of course, for penetration in sex, and this is specifically why the dildo was designed.

It’s probably a good idea, however, not to try and play any practical jokes with this sex toy, unless you really know the person you’re joking. In today’s climate of civil lawsuits at the drop of a hat, you may want to reconsider whipping your dildo out at your boss, or your preacher.

I don’t see anything wrong with pranking your doctor with a sex toy. Odds are, the guy’s been looking at patients junk all day, and could use a break in the monotony. Plus, it’s your hospital ball, go nuts.

First of all, I know no major sports league is going to hire an adult sex toy as a mascot. Most leagues try to keep their sports kid friendly, and such a mascot would surely be a distraction. This being said, I personally would cheer for a team that had a dildo as a mascot.

It would also be extra attention. Think of the merchandise sales. If you could buy a t-shirt with the name of your team represented by a huge dildo or vibrator wouldn’t you absolutely buy it? The cost of it is worth the amount of fun and recognition you could get with such a shirt. I think the sex toy industry is really missing out on revenue by not trying to do these things.

It doesn’t have to be a professional team; it could be a semi-professional team that could advertise the sex toys. The exposure would help propel the team into the city’s eye, therefore guaranteeing better ticket sales and overall profit for all. People like buying uncommon t-shirts and banners, why hasn’t the adult entertainment industry jumped all over this? Instead of bat night, maybe there could be a dildo night…

Ok, now I’m going to tell you an urban tale of separatism and gang violence. Imagine if you will, that in the sex toy world, adult toys are divided by their nomination. Vibrators do not hang out or live near dildos, and inflatable sheep certainly do not hang out near lavender handcuffs. And if their paths ever do cross, violence is usually the outcome. Chance meetings and encounters turn into so much burnt plastic and damaged battery receptacles. For the newer generation of dildos coming up, this is the only world they know.

Sex toys killing and disrespecting each other, based solely on aesthetic design. They don’t judge each other on their quality, durability, or reliability, but with such a temporal value such as veneer. What possible good life could these adult sex toys hope to enjoy, with the constant warring and bickering between the tribes? How could they focus on their intended purpose as a whole when they kept getting so distracted by their own petty differences and stubborn generalizations? And yeah, if you think any of this is pertinent to humans as well as sex toys, then maybe we won’t end up like them.

Ok, when we last left Brule, his girlfriend Sally had been dragged off by the evil adult toys, and he was trapped inside the cabin in the woods, surrounded by undead dildos and vibrators. The whole situation was pretty grim, and about to get grimmer.

The undead sex toys had transformed Sally into their queen, and she now paraded around the woods with the sex adult sex toys worshipping her at her side. She commanded them to infiltrate the cabin, and to take control of Brule and make him her king. The dildos begin to amass a large army, preparing for an attack on the cabin. Meanwhile, Brule was inside the house, ransacking it for any weapons or clues as to how to stop the undead sex toy army.  He found a chainsaw, and strapped in onto his back, and an ancient book of spells, in which he thought he could send the evil away forever while at the same time drive it out of his girlfriend.

Brule throws open the door, and begins slashing at the sadistic adult sex toys while reciting a spell from the book. Will Brule save Sally? To be continued next article…

Its three years after the invasion and the Earth has changed. Most of the towns and major cities have been leveled flat, and most landmarks have been sent crashing to the ground. With the exception of the Washington Monument and the Eiffel Tower, the invading sex toy horde successfully decimated the people and the landscape of Earth. Earth’s remaining citizens called for the swift justice and extreme circumcision of the adult toy race, and they won’t take no for an answer.

Well, the remaining people in power banded together and decided for a nuclear assault against the dildo planet. Volunteers were recruited and trained for the mission (remember, Earth’s population has been decimated) and the best of the rest are finally prepared to go.

The manned shuttle reaches the atmosphere of the dildo planet, and let loose their nuclear warhead on the home of the sex toy race. Detonation is confirmed, and the planet is blown to smithereens. The resulting debris explosion, however, kills the entire crew of the expedition, prompting the citizens of Earth to rename high schools worldwide in appreciation. And thus ends the tragedy of the Planet of the Dildos.

This article will be a spoof on one of my all-time favorite movies.  Our hero begins his day with an outing with his woman, and they’re having a picnic in the middle of the woods. Well, right before they’re about to get down to some frisky business, a dark cloud passes over the sun, and an evil mist begins to rise from the ground. Our hero, who we shall call Brule, and his lady friend, who we will call Sally, take off running. In their haste, they leave behind Sally’s “fun bag” that contained assorted sex toys and scented oils. The mist changes the dildos and vibrators into evil sex toys, and they begin to give chase to Sally and Brule.

Brule and Sally run deeper into the woods, searching for refuge against the now undead adult sex toys. They happen upon a cabin, and right before both make it inside, an evil dildo grabs Sally and drags her screaming into the woods and the mysterious mist. Brule goes heroically after her, but is chased back into the cabin by a gang of evil sex toys. Part two of this adventure will be covered in my next article.

The sex toy detectives had followed their quarry to the abandoned warehouse, waiting for the appropriate time to spring the trap. As soon as the money changed hands the dildo detectives leapt from their hiding spot to apprehend the criminals. The criminals, however, were human, and their legs were more than a match for the adult toys’ stationary bases. They hopped into a van and roared away from the scene.

The dildos may have not been able to move very fast, but they did have the foresight to plan on having a helicopter circling above. The two detectives rappelled to the skids of the helicopter and rode along for the chase, watching the van careen around corners and duck down side streets, trying to shake the eye in the sky. The sex toys motioned the helicopter to get right over the van, and then they dropped from the helicopter to the speeding van below. Detective Biggs prostrated himself on the windshield, forcing the driver to lose control of the van and sending it crashing into a nearby telephone pole. The pursuit cops finally arrived to find detective Biggs dragging the criminals out of the van to jail.

When we last left the sheriff, he was surrounded by an angry sex toy gang who had bad intentions. The sheriff was about to lose all hope when he noticed his trusted deputy Ted hiding outside the house near the stables. The Dildo gang had not taken any notice of him, so he slipped around the back of the house in an attempt to rescue the sheriff. When the adult toy gang went outside to check on the horses, Ted made his way inside to try and free the trapped sheriff.

Ted had most of the rope undone and the sheriff about freed when the adult sex toy gang surprised them both by barging back into the house. The dildos had figured that someone would try and come rescue the sheriff, so they had laid this little trap to catch them. They retied the sheriff, tied up the deputy, and then set about the business of getting ready to burn the house down with the prisoners inside. It looked like the sheriff and his deputy were about to be done in by the dildo gang. Who was going to save the sheriff and deputy now?

We shall conclude this absurd tale of adult toy treachery. When we last left the sheriff and his trusted (albeit dimwitted) deputy, they were both staring the afterlife in the face. The dildo gang had tied up our heroes and had retreated outside to burn the house down around them, therefore effectively sealing their fate.

The sex toys had moved a respectable distance away after soaking the outside of the house thoroughly with gasoline. It looked like the end was near until suddenly the sheriff’s other deputy (what, he could only have one deputy?) jumped from behind a tree and surprised the outlaw adult toy gang. Since there were only six in the gang, and this deputy’s gun conveniently held six bullets, the dildo gang surrendered peacefully, only to be hung the next day after the trial.

Frontier justice is swift; even for adult sex toys.

The sheriff and his deputy who was bound with him were eventually freed, and both went on to lead fruitful lives. The deputy’s life, however, was somewhat marred with tragedy due to the fact that he always wanted his wife to tie him up during sex, causing their subsequent divorce.

Ok, now I’m going to tell you about two sex toys from the opposite sides of the track, forced to work together for the good of the police department and the community. Detective Biggs and Murdock, head detectives on the dildo police force. Biggs is a suicidal manic depressive, hell bent on avenging his wife’s murder. Murdock is an older cop, a family man who lives to serve his family and his community. Together, these two adult sex toys will clean up the mean streets.

On their first day of working together, the two detectives get a call about an old friend of Murdock’s. His daughter s mixed up in some kind of drug trafficking and prostitution ring, and wants the help of the two sex toys to help her out. The detectives take the case, and begin the arduous task of following the woman around, looking for clues to her goings on and transactions.

They follow her to an abandoned warehouse, where she and the drug dealers usually meet to drop off cash and resupply the merchandise. The detectives spring forth to bust them all, but the dealers grab the woman and take off in a van.

Its three years later, and the dildo people have become a fierce and combative lot. Most of them wear full length battledress made of chainmail, making them look like they are wearing some sort of heavy metal condom. Their space exploration of black holes has been halted; instead, all ships have been retrofitted for war. These sex toys mean business.

As they prepare for war, most of these brave adult toys know they may not be coming back home. They plan an all out attack on the people of Earth; intending to bombard Earth’s major cities with a firestorm of golden laser streams, effectively eviscerating any life below.

The invasion day came, and the dildos of the planet prepared for Operation: Golden Shower. Some of the sex toys were nervous, but that was to be expected. War is scary, even for dildos. They broke Earth’s atmosphere, and believe me when I say they caught them completely by surprise. The citizens of Earth scattered as golden lasers rained down from above. As the lasers poured out from the nose of their familiar phallic shaped spaceship, most of the victims strangely died pointing and laughing.

It’s exactly what you think it is. It’s a planet of nothing but the adult sex toys, and they’re a pretty productive and peaceful tribe. They don’t go around starting interstellar conflicts, as they spend most of the time traversing the around the black holes of space. Their diplomacy with the Vibrator people is unrivaled, and they are all unnaturally skilled at mining. You could say things were absolutely Utopian until humans showed up.

When the first manned space shuttle landed and the astronauts saw what the new race looked like, they went about rounding up as many as the sex toys that they could find to take back to Earth to sell.  This, naturally, upset the peaceful dildos of this planet, and they went into hiding, preferring not to confront the humans. Using their inborn mining skills, the adult toys burrowed deep into the ground, hiding themselves from the human hunters.

The humans realized that the sex toys wouldn’t re-emerge with them around, and took off to Earth with the conquered. There the sold the sex toys into servitude, but back home, the remaining dildos were constructing a little plan of their own. Their plan… revenge.

You have to admit, that’s pretty clever. If someone wrote a book and that was the title, whether or not the book was about sex toys or not, I would absolutely buy it. Sometimes a good title is enough to make you want to read the book, and I’m hoping the effect was copied here. This article will conclude this installment of articles concerning the dildo.

It’s been pretty fun, I have to say. Using movies to hide the keywords, I tried to make it entertaining for you guys that read these things. I think I’m beginning to understand this whole adult toy merchandising thing, and I hope my writing reflects as much.

I don’t know what my next series of articles will be about, but rest assured they will be littered with the appropriate sex toy references, but at the same time hopefully tell you an entertaining story. Sometimes it’s a bit of a challenge writing about nothing but vibrators and everything, but I’m going to try and keep it as fun and enjoyable as possible. So until I talk to you guys again, keep buying those adult sex toys and enjoy your day.

In a sleepy Connecticut town, there is a tale of intrigue afoot. Four dildos, from four very different backgrounds, were orphans that were taken in at their manufacturing date by an elderly woman with a big heart. She raised these sex toys as her own family and bestowed upon the values of any righteous and pious woman. The small town knew and loved her, and treated the sex toys with love and familiarity. Then, one fateful snowy night, tragedy struck.

The matriarch was at the store purchasing supplies for the house when a masked intruder entered the store and approached her from behind. He pointed a gun at her and fired, killing her instantly and leaving the now full grown sex toys without a loved one.

The four dildos asked questions all over town, eventually finding the robber who had shot and killed the woman they loved. The climax of the confrontation found them al standing on a frozen lake with the four sex toys slowly advancing on the murderer. Suddenly, the ice cracks, and the freezing waters swallow the culprit into the cold darkness below. The four dildos have avenged the death of the woman they loved.

My next series of adult sex toy articles will be attempts at humor, using movies to imbed the appropriate keywords. I’m not sure how Clint Eastwood or Lee Van Cleef will feel about me trying to write an article about rogue dildos in a western town, but hey, maybe FOX will pick it up.

So this gang of sex toys takes over a small western town, and it’s up to the good sheriff to do something about it. He must fight these rowdy dildos, keep them from rustling cattle and the like, and then dispose of them in a designated waste site. Some of these adult sex toys are not biodegradable, and must be treated accordingly. The sheriff is an environmentalist as well as a peacekeeper.

The dildos request a showdown with the sheriff at high noon, and meet on the deserted road into town to settle the score. At the appointed time, three of the sex toys try to slip around the back of the sheriff to get the drop on him, but the sheriff is too smart and takes them out. He then faces the leader and scores the final justice.